From a Fool

Honestly, I didn't expect you to come out directly with direct words. I swear to God it's a big heart attack for me yet surprising in a positive way. And the other fact is, I didn't also feel like you meant that posting to me. That's why I put an '?' on it. Maybe I was too attracted in your previous writings, which means, I did realize, somehow, that those were for me. That's why I response it through a post.

I feel bad. I know I'm not good in shouting out loud my feeling directly, especially towards a person like you. I'm so not good in expressing naturally what comes to my mind through my face, body, or words [spoken], again, especially towards you. And believe me, I'm struggling to fix it, even sometimes I feel like I'm faking it. I want to be just my self, but something convince me to act more than just me. I know it's bad and stupid, but well, maybe I'm just such a fool. Hell I am the most successful fool person in dealing with 'this' thing.

I feel bad. You know, when I read something about you, my mind would be really reactive that I couldn't handle it sometimes. A lot of things, like you said A-Z, came to my mind and I was like picking it from a spread items. Worse, I made an assumption or even string up a perception. Though I knew I need to communicate, something related to my past told me not to. I was frightened of my own self, I was afraid that I took a wrong decision which will carry you away.

I feel bad. Now I know [a little bit more] what's really going on here. I have said my part once in front of you, and you've said yours in all the way you were at that time. We've walked the path even though only an inch far forward and things happened on you, on me, on its own part. Maybe you've been looking for more me, and all I've been giving was just a little, vice versa. Maybe the only thing we need, or I need, is to be more sincere, open, and perceivable(?).

Of course, it's emm if you still want to continue walking on it.

To close this posting, let me write down a lyric which is recently sung in my mind from John Mayer titled "Clarity", and if you can hear me, I'm singing it too ;)

Clarity
by John Mayer
I worry, I weigh three times my body
I worry, I throw my fear around
But this morning, there's a calm I can't explain
The rock candy's melted, only diamonds now remain

Ooh ooh ooh ooh

By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on
Well all I got's

Ooh ooh ooh ooh

And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will pay no mind
When it won't and it won't because it can't
It just can't It's not supposed to

Was there a second of time that I looked around?
Did I sail through or drop my anchor down
Was anything enough to kiss the ground?
And say I'm here now and she's here now

Ooh ooh ooh ooh Ooh ooh ooh ooh

So much wasted in the afternoon
So much sacred in the month of June
How bout you

And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
That it won't and it won't
Because it won't
And I will waste no time
Worried 'bout no rainy weather
And I will waste no time
Remaining in our lives together




Picture taken from
http://jjwbhufugp.deviantart.com/art/Clarity-119931993?q=boost%3Apopular%20clarity&qo=37

Dear Sister (?)

I used to think that you realize my existence.
I used to think that what you did back then was somehow signals for me.
I used to be happy, over-excited, and sleep-less when you seemed giving me feedback.
I used to tell a close friend of mine that 'here it is', you weren't a doubt.
I used to talk with my self about you all night.

Then there you were, telling me how what I've been thinking all these time was wrong.
You made me stop expecting, stop wondering, and even stop over-thinking about you-signal-me.
I was screwed a bit that finally I kept telling myself it's just another first step.

Then there you were, ruining my life with your story for being dumped out of someone.
You made me start thinking again, this time in all-negatives-way about 'someone' you mean.
I was confused at first and worrying but then I reminded myself it's just another empty-wishes.

Now I use to think that I'm nothing for you but a stranger.
Now I use to think that what you do in your life has nothing to do with me.
Now I use to be such a "NUMB" person rather than a broken-heart.
Now I use to tell a close friend of mine nothing, especially about you.
Now I use to talk with myself about me, just me.

Then there you are, showing up right in front of my face through your awakened media.
...

What am I supposed to do?
If only you ask me to call you, I'll call.
If only you ask me to show up in front of you, I'll come.
If only you say you want me to make a joke, I'll bring you unforgettable awkward-face of mine to make you laugh, since I'm not really good at jokes.
If only you ask me to smile, I'll give my best.
...

But if you keep in silence, I assume that this 'writing' isn't even read or touched by you, or worse, means nothing for you.

Sepotong Roti

Jum'at, 20 Mei 2011
15.04 WIB

Tiga tahun yang lalu, di jam-jam ini, sebuah proses terjadi. Lima jam pertempuran batin. Lima jam ketegangan situasi. Berujung pada cerita "Lima" atau titik spasi.

Hari ini, di jam-jam ini pula, sebuah titik balik seakan dimulai. Bukan lagi mematahkan namun menumbuhkan. Berbeda dengan terik tiga tahun lalu di parkiran sekolah, hujan deras mengguyur student lounge luar kampus merah. Ya ampun, tiga tahun telah berlalu sejak keputusan untuk sendiri [lagi] diawali dengan menyisakan luka.

Hari ini, hari-hariku akan dimulai dengan titik baru. Setelah cukup lama berproses di dalam maupun di luar diri, aku berani berkata rindu. Rindu pada saat hati berwarna dari merah, kuning, hingga biru. Rindu mengecap berjuta rasa yang kata orang mampu melebur jadi satu. Yang seringkali membuat orang 'mau tapi malu'. Ya, rasa itu.

Hari ini, mengawali pagi dengan sedikit lesu, aku bertemu dengannya. Rona cemberut yang dia tunjukkan dengan memanyunkan bibir atasnya, seolah menjadi obat pembangkit semangat. Tanpa ragu aku mendekat dan 'merebut' potongan terakhir roti sarapannya. Dari tangannya. Sepotong roti pengusir kantuk dan penyengat saraf bahagia. Aku berlalu dan sekali lagi kutatap senyumnya. Rasa itu ... inikah dia?

Hari ini, sepotong kejadian kecil melalui sepotong roti dan sepotong senyum mengawali tahapan baru hidupku. Mungkin masih terlalu dini untuk melabeli ini dengan nama apapun. Dan yang kubenci dari kata mungkin adalah aku tak pernah benar-benar tahu apakah ia menjadi "iya", atau menjadi "tidak". Yang kutahu, aku bergerak maju. Bukan lagi saatnya memandang masa lalu atau meratap sendu. Aku terlalu rindu.

. . .

Kepada E,
Semoga kau mulai membiasakan diri dengan gaya menulisku yang eksplisit meski bergaya sangat misteri. Aku tak bermaksud mengubah apapun di antara kita untuk saat ini. Aku hanya terlalu bersemangat untuk tidak menulis tentangmu, dan tentang rasa ini. Maka hari ini, biarlah kukecap sensasi demi sensasi, sembari mengurai spasi-demi-spasi. Hingga kudapati, benarkah rasa ini, atau sekedar sepotong roti?

Sumber gambar:
http://fc00.deviantart.net/fs25/f/2008/118/7/0/Love_Thy_Bread__by_Chelsx.jpg